I thought I’d share a story prior to my pregnancy. Sharing this in hopes it finds someone out there who has lost faith and hope in this time of such chaos and unknowns. Let me first say God is faithful. Remember that and take that with you today and always.
It was February 2020 and a friend of mine invited me to a midweek Church service. The message of the night was looking towards the good and fruitful trees (metaphorically) around us that are full of YES instead of giving into our human nature to look towards the one tree God is saying no to. That is the story of Adam and Eve. They were surrounded by all of these trees that bore delicious and wonderful fruit. They were forbidden to eat from one tree that God said not to eat from but they went for it anyway.
By the end of the message, the Pastor asked us to think about one thing we have been desiring but God seems (to us) to be saying no to whatever that may be. At that time, I was desiring a child. I knew deep down that for Sean and I it wasn’t a part of “our plan” for another year. Despite the strategic, well thought out, logical plan we had – my heart felt so deeply and longed for a child more than anything. So that night, I stretched out my hands as if I were holding a baby and lifted my arms towards the sky. I prayed to God that I surrendered my desire completely to Him because if I held onto it any longer, I’d break. I would break from the insane amount of control I thought I possessed over my life. (Sometimes I forget that, even now).
Listen, Sean and I are both planners and list makers. We plan out our days, our monthly financials, everything is on our family calendar, the whole nine! So you bet I had on that calendar the day we would start trying for a baby. I confided in friends about every time of the month I’d be pissed that my period came. Many times I sat with Sean and shared that I knew we had our well thought out plan but my feelings are overtaking the logic. What do I do with these feelings?
Side note, my personality is to conceal my personal feelings. I lead with logic. I try to rationalize and psychoanalyze why I feel the way I do rather than sitting in my feelings, focusing on them and being driven by them.
Again, what do I do with these feelings? It was consuming every conversation and most of my thoughts. God spoke to me that night as I stretched out my hands and said, “Surrender your desire for a child.” I didn’t hesitate. “Here God. I give this over to You because You are actually in control and the keeper of all my desires. You know my heart and what I long for so I trust You.”
What I realized is that God had not been saying no to this desire. He was saying not yet. Not yet because you are clinching onto timing, finances, family chains, traumas, etc in order to plan out something that only I the Father can set into motion. Not yet because, Lauren you are not in control and I need you and Sean to realize that. Surrender.
Well a month and a half later I found out I was 5 weeks pregnant. Crazy right?
I look at my calendar often and think back to that night of sweet surrender. Do not be mistaken, God is not a genie and He did not grant me my wish. Surrender and obedience was on my part. He also could have picked further down the road for timing. But no. Further down the road for me, for us would have been what we wanted and preferred in that moment. God did this all in His timing. We weren’t trying to have a child. We also were not not trying (ya know whatamean?) That is what makes this testimony so special though. We were shocked! It is a reminder that I am not in control -ever. God is faithful and knows our deepest desires. Obedience to God is a necessity to get through life unscathed by this world. Something I once read, “if you think you have blown God’s plan for your life, rest in this…you are not that powerful.” Lastly, that when you ask wholeheartedly, He answers (even if it is a whisper of “not yet”).
ps…no I am not turning my faith and politics blog into a mama blog. Well, no promises 😉
Keep up with my pregnancy on my instagram account: @simplylbperspective